If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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