I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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