you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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