My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
