I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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