Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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