this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
