my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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