I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
