Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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