It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
