You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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