Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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