Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
