Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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