I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
