Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
