You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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