I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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