Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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