They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
