I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
