I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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