so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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