Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
