Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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