somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
