so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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