My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
