Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
