dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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