she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
