OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
