My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There's always time for handjobs
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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