First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
