Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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