And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
