My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
