So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
