Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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