no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
