my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so let's talk penis.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
