I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
