Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
