I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
