Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
