Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
