I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
