Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
