i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
