News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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