he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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