my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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