Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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