The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
