He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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