my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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