Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
did i walk over a car last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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