yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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