woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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