i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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