one might say we're banned from that church
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
