I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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