it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
